Recognizing the symptoms will help you know what thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to target for improvement.
I’m too weak/not skilled enough/not smart enough. I hope they don’t think I’m a jerk. I’m too fat/thin/old/young/etc. Everything is my fault. I think I have to be perfect when I perform at my job. My boss doesn’t like my report. I must be a total failure at my job. Why try meeting new people? They won’t like me anyway.
I feel so ashamed that my boss didn’t like my report. I’m so angry at myself that my boss didn’t like my report. I’m so frustrated at my boss for criticizing me. He never likes anything I do. I feel anxious/panicked when I’m with people I don’t know because they’re probably thinking about how fat I am. I’m not strong enough to compete, so I won’t even try. I feel anxious most of the time.
I can’t sleep most of the time. I am tired most of the time. My body feels tense. When I meet a new person (or I’m in another uncomfortable situation): I sweat profusely. The room spins. I can’t catch my breath. I blush a lot. I feel like my heart is going to pound right out of my chest.
I don’t go out/I don’t like people to see me, or me them. I have trouble making decisions. I don’t feel comfortable expressing my opinions or speaking up for myself. I don’t think I’m capable of handling a new job, even if it is a promotion. I get upset very easily. I argue with the people in my life a lot. I get defensive and yell at my family. My friend calls me “Cat” all the time and I don’t like it, but I’m afraid if I say anything, she won’t be my friend. I’m too self-conscious to have sex. I have sex even when I don’t want to. Everything I do has to be perfect. I eat well past being full. I can’t eat more than one meal a day or I’ll get too fat.
For example, if a person steps into a pothole, she might have these thoughts if she were generalizing: “Why do things like this always happen to me? I’m just cursed. I never have any good luck at all. ”
For instance, a comparer might say this: “Look at that. My neighbor has a Hemi truck. I don’t think I could ever afford one of those. I’m such a failure. ”
Here’s what a catastrophizer might think: “I got a B in this class instead of an A. Now I’ll never find a job. ”
Mind readers have a tendency to make assumptions about what other people are thinking or the reasons they are doing things, and the mind reader thoughts are always skewed negatively: “That guy is staring at me. He’s probably thinking what a freak I am. ”
It’s easier to do little bits of progress, and it’s easier to get in the habit of treating yourself well by thinking positively.
A fact is a statement that is irrefutable, such as: “I am twenty two years old. ” You have the birth certificate to prove it. Opinions are not irrefutable. An example of an opinion is: “I’m always stupid. ” This statement is refutable. Some might think it’s not, and they will offer evidence of times where they feel they were stupid, such as, “I’m so stupid, I fell off the stage when I was eight. ” However, when exploring this experience, a person can learn a few things, such as: If an adult was responsible for overseeing the project, that person should have considered your safety. People are not perfect and make mistakes. Even Einstein has admitted some mistakes in his career. [3] X Research source This shows that no one is really stupid if they make mistakes. Even geniuses make mistakes. And not just one or two, but lots and lots of them. Even if you have experiences supporting your negative beliefs, you should also have experiences supporting when you’ve made great decisions and have done some very smart things.
For example, One of the items on the list was, “I’m going to fail if I try to make it as a writer,” along with associated thoughts: “Why even bother? No one will like it anyway. No one has anything original to say anyway. It’s all been written before. ”
For example, “I’m going to fail if I try to make it as a writer” is at the top of the list. All associated negative thoughts can be included with this thought, but the lead sentence can be thought of as the title for this sentiment.
For example, “My father told me I would fail if I tried to be a writer. ” Remember, if you remember someone stating a negative comment to you, this is not a fact! It’s only their opinion, and you will be able to find a way to refute it. Note: If this step makes you so upset that it’s difficult for you to function for the rest of the day or week, or makes it difficult for you to continue, stop and seek professional therapy.
For example, “It makes me want to give up. ”
For example, “When I saw contests or invitations to write, I ignored them even though I want to be a writer more than anything else. ”
For example, “I have had five poems published, internationally! Ha! Take that! I have also had four magazine articles published. It’s not true after all. I won’t fail. I’ve already succeeded!”
For example, “I will do everything I can to make sure I succeed. I will go back to school for my masters degree. I will research where I can write and get my articles published, and I will not give up until I get paid work. I will seek out a writing job. I will enter contests. I will not give up until I win one. ”
Your achievements (for the day, week, month, year). I saved my company seven million dollars this year. I spent time with my kids every day. I learned how to manage my stress so I feel good most days. I won an award. I smiled at someone else I didn’t know today, even though this is difficult for me. Your attributes and strengths. I have a bubbly personality. I can give a great compliment. I am a great listener. I really know how to make the ones I love feel special. Your appearance. My favorite features are my eye color, my straight teeth, my shiny hair, and when I wear my favorite color (royal blue), it makes me feel great. I have an approachable face and smile, which makes people feel comfortable when they speak with me. Someone told me how pretty I looked today!
Stop thinking of yourself in terms of weaknesses and instead think about areas you would like to improve, and only because changing them will make you happy. Making goals for change is not about fixing something that’s broken. It’s about doing things that will help you work more efficiently in your life, and help you have healthy relationships, which in turn helps your self-esteem and happiness.
Some examples of improvement goals that are not overly focused on weakness are: I would like to… Manage stress more efficiently Work on organizing my paperwork Work on becoming more organized Remember to do something I really enjoy once a day and not feel guilty about it Improve my parenting skills
Some examples of improvement goals that are not overly focused on weakness are: I would like to… Manage stress more efficiently Work on organizing my paperwork Work on becoming more organized Remember to do something I really enjoy once a day and not feel guilty about it Improve my parenting skills
Think of negative statements from others as ten-pound weights. If you put on a ten-pound weight for every negative statement, and you are surrounded by people who put you down, eventually it becomes more and more difficult to lift yourself up. Removing yourself from the burden of having to listen and relate to negative people will make you feel lighter because you do not have to bear the weight of their negative comments, their negative judgments towards you, or their unwillingness to treat you with respect.
The first statement can be taken as an attack and increase the listener’s defensiveness. The second is sharing your feelings, and letting the person know what he or she did to contribute to those feelings.
For instance, if your friend asks you to drive him to the store, you can say, “I can’t right now; I have a class. But I can drive you afterwards. Would that be okay?”
For example, if your local supermarket sold you a bad piece of meat and will not accept returns, you can always say, “I understand. I would still like a refund. ” If after several attempts you don’t see your results, you can always try a statement like this, “If you do not want to issue me a refund, that’s your choice. I can always choose to call the Health Department, though I’d rather not. Which would be easier for the both of us?”
For instance, if you decide you don’t want other people calling you names, you can let them know you don’t like it and you will take action if they do not stop: “I don’t like it when you call me Shorty. It upsets me. I would appreciate it if you would stop. ” If this form of verbal abuse does not stop, take action and tell someone with authority that can help you. If you’re at work, file a harassment complaint. If you’re a student, tell your parents, a teacher, or your principal. If it’s a friend, your friend might not have realized that his or her actions were getting you upset. It’s always worth it to let people know how you feel.
Parents are teachers to their children. In order for teachers to be truly effective, teachers must have some sort of expertise. Moreover, your own personal habits might eventually rub off on them, and this includes the bad ones as well as the good ones. Choosing to take care of yourself a few minutes a day is all it takes not only to raise your own self-esteem, but also to serve as a great example for your kids. If you don’t have kids, taking care of yourself will help you feel better and is worth the effort.
Instead of keeping complicated lists of things you eat or things you should be eating, make a choice to choose healthy at every single meal and snack. Avoid foods such as candy bars, soda, cake, doughnuts, and pastries, which lead to massive energy crashes, possible headaches, and offer no nutrition, possible illness, and added calories.
1 serving of fruit or veggie at every meal. Veggies and fruits also offer a bit of protein, carbohydrates, and plant-source fiber. 1 serving of lean protein at every meal (legumes, lean meats, low fat dairy). Legumes and low fat dairy offer some carbohydrates. 2 servings of carbohydrates per day (sweet potatoes and whole oats are less processed and better than whole wheat) A bit of healthy fats, such as olive and canola oils, avocados, nuts. Nuts provide some carbohydrates as well as healthy fats.
Most commonly, some reasons for straying from a healthy diet are: Healthy food choices are not available at gas stops. I’m hungry now and I don’t have time to run out/make a healthy meal. Because I just want it. A little planning at the grocery store could help prevent this from occurring: Buy chopped veggies, such as chopped lettuce and baby carrots for a quick salad. Buy nuts or sunflower seeds for a quick fiber/protein/healthy fats boost. You can add them to your salad for extra crunch. Many fruits are portable, such as bananas and apples.
Crave something sweet in the morning? Replace your pastry, sugar-laden cereal, and coffee cake with oatmeal topped with stevia, cinnamon, fruit, and milk. If you don’t like oats (some people don’t like the mush factor), try brown rice instead. Need an afternoon shot of sugar? Try some dates and nuts. Want an after dinner dessert? Try a couple of squares of dark chocolate (choose the brand with the least amount of sugar) and peanut butter. Need to add a little more sweetness? Melt your chocolate, stir in the peanut butter, and add some agave nectar or stevia. Not sweet enough? You can also mix in some raisins. To increase the yum factor even more, put in a pinch of unsweetened shredded coconut.
Daily Workout Free: This is a downloadable app available on iTunes. Chatelaine Ten Minute Fitness: This downloadable app from iTunes is an international bestseller. The 7 Min Workout: This site tells you which simple exercises to do and times your entire seven-minute session for you. It’s so fast, you don’t even have time to spell out the word minute. Also, it offers the 7 Min diet if you offer your first name and email address. Warning: These workouts are short, but they can still be rigorous. Therefore, it’s best to check with your doctor if you have a condition you are being treated for, or if you are over forty.
If you physically feel good and make efforts to maintain your appearance, knowing you smell great in your favorite perfume or cologne, or that your hair is soft and touchable, or your eyes look extra green because you’re wearing your favorite green shirt can give you a boost for the day.
You might also want to get help if in keeping your journal, you realize that there are subjects that you cannot face, or if you are trying to face them, they set you back enough to cause a disruption in your life as you write about them. Also, if you have a mental disorder such as depression, anxiety, or other types of disorders, this can have an effect on your self-esteem. Getting treatment for a mental disorder can improve the quality of your life.
For example, if a person with low self-esteem needs to study for an exam in school, the person might say, “I don’t know why I’m bothering. It’s not like I’ll get an A anyway. ” When undergoing CBT therapy, the therapist, who will most likely be a counselor or psychologist, works in partnership with the client to change those automatic beliefs. [5] X Research source The counselor might suggest testing the client’s hypothesis—the client will fail no matter how hard the client studies. The counselor might help the client with time management and stress skills and track studying progress until the student takes the test. Other techniques used for CBT are relaxation techniques (breathing exercises), visualization (mental rehearsing), and going through childhood experiences to identify where the negative thoughts originated. Identifying the origin of the negative thoughts helps prevent self-esteem “relapses. ”[6] X Research source CBT is good for people who do not have complex issues. Moreover, CBT is only good for treating some types of disorders such as depression and anxiety. CBT might also be too structured for some people.
For people who have complex issues or would like a more individualized plan tailored to their needs, psychodynamic therapy might be better than CBT. [7] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Psychodynamic therapy is an effective technique to use with a variety of conditions and with patients with issues of varying complexity.
The Centre for Clinical Interventions describes people with low self-esteem as having “deep-seated, basic, negative beliefs about themselves and the kind of person they are. These beliefs are often taken as facts or truths about their identity. ”
Always criticize yourself. Think of yourself in negative ways. Always compare yourself to your friends or family and feel jealous because you see them as being better than you. Call yourself bad names to yourself and other people. Always scold, criticize, or blame yourself. Think if you do have an accomplishment, you were just lucky. Think everything is your fault, even when it’s not. Think that if a person compliments you, it is not sincere.
Tolerate abusive relationships because they feel they are deserving of the treatment or don’t deserve better treatment. Bully or abuse other people. Be afraid to take on goals, objectives, or dreams because they don’t think they are able to achieve them. Become perfectionists to make up for their own perceived flaws. Always feel self-conscious around other people, be overly preoccupied with their appearance, or think that other people think negatively of them. Constantly look for indicators that other people don’t like them or think poorly of them. Think they are a lost cause. Have a low threshold for stress. Neglect their hygiene or engage in activities that harm their body, such as drinking excessive alcohol, smoking tobacco, or attempting suicide.
For example, children may blame themselves for their parents’ divorce or parents feel helpless to help their children process their emotions. Children who grow up in poverty and children of minorities are often at higher risk for developing low self-esteem.
A child hears someone call him stupid when he makes a mistake. From then on, he believes he is stupid whenever he makes a mistake. Or, he believes he is stupid just because he makes a mistake. A kid does not receive support or praise from her parents. She starts to believe she is not beautiful, wonderful, or worthy of praise because her own parents don’t even believe in her. A person repeatedly hears derogatory statements because of the color of his skin. He eventually believes he will not be able to succeed in a society that does not accept him.
Most often, when children are raised in a strict home that does not provide children with emotional support, children’s self-esteem suffers. [8] X Research source When kids and adults have emotional support, their emotional needs are met. Emotional support can be shown in many ways, such as: saying, “I love you,” or “I’m proud of you”; helping kids with their own feelings and emotions and how to cope; and simply just being there. Emotional needs are real needs people have as they grow, along with physical (food and drink) and mental (learning, problem solving, and education) needs. Paying attention to emotional needs, as well as physical and mental needs, helps children feel accepted and respected.
For example, if you don’t arrive on time to work, your boss might make you feel ashamed if he says, “You are not a reliable person,” rather than, “You need to come into work earlier. Try aiming for arriving to work a half an hour earlier. This way, if anything goes wrong, you’ll have that extra time. ” While shaming is socially accepted, it is actually an abusive behavior, and often occurs with other abusive behaviors that produce the feeling of being shamed. For example, author Beverly Engel recalls her mother spanking her in front of her neighbors, or punishing her with public displays of yelling and screaming when she made a mistake. These incidences produced feelings of shame.
Abusive relationships can also affect adults. The relationships we have in adulthood often reflect our childhood relationships. Relationship patterns are formed in childhood, which affects our expectations of our future relationships.
This is not surprising, considering school is part of most of our lives for a majority of our childhoods and during our formative years.
Divorce, events that produce trauma, such as being in a car or work accident, being the victim of an attack, or the death of a family member or friend, can affect self-esteem as well. Financial stress and living in an economically depressed area can affect also self-esteem.
If a person receives a lot of rejection or acceptance for their appearance, this could have an influence on a person’s self-worth. Research has found that when people evaluate their own physical appearance, it is consistently skewed towards the negative and may not accurately reflect our true attributes. In other words, most people are overly critical of their physical appearance.
Victims of bullying often have to live for years with the memories of being victimized. They often feel embarrassed about the abuse and attacks. Bullies most often already suffer from low self-esteem, and feel more control when they victimize others. Many bullies are likely victims of abuse and neglect in their own homes. To regain a sense of control, they victimize other people.
